I don’t often talk about Mum anymore… or at least not out loud.  I do however go to dial her phone number and remember that she’s no longer here…. or I find myself talking to her or asking her opinion and then worrying that I’m not doing things as she’d want them to be done, or more often get frustrated and pissed off that she’s not here anymore.  I also get upset that she’s not here to celebrate my achievements.

I was recently nominated by two separate people for the Divine Woman Award 2011.  The two people who nominated me don’t even know each other but know me – one from the US and one from the UK.  Astonishingly they also nominated me for slightly different reasons… one for my work within the cancer arena focusing on survivorship, patient involvement and support.  The other for my work within the cancer arena but more particularly for my phyllodes work – finding out more, probing and asking questions, sourcing new information and more importantly my helping others newly diagnosed and through our Facebook group ‘Phyllodes Support Group’.  Divine Chocolate realised that I had been nominated twice and I was shortlisted and  invited, with a plus1, to the Finalists Reception with 5 other entrants.  I didn’t win, but the lady who did was very deserving and amazing… as were the other finalists too.  I went to the Finalist Reception alone because the only person I really wanted to accompany me was my Mum and she’s no longer here.  But I hope she looked down and was proud of me and why I had been nominated and why I was selected from all the entrants to be in the final 6.

Mum fought for more information on Multiple Sclerosis, more research, more progress, more support and more awareness… she used to drive us all nuts in her quest to help and find out more.  I knew why but I used to say to her to concentrate on herself rather than ‘the cause’ and get frustrated that right up until she was no longer able to use her fingers to write and use the computer, she would be writing to medics, politicians and health authorities with information, research or questions.  I now so understand why she did it and why it meant so much to her to know that she had tried to do something so that others behind her may not have to struggle with MS the way that she had.  She was determined to help find an answer as to why this dreadful disease existed and to find a way to relieve the symptoms for others.  I know that she will have made a difference with everything she did… I just hope that I can do so with Phyllodes too.

So Mum, 2 years ago today I watched you close your eyes and soon take your last breath.  I watched you peacefully slip away leaving behind your damaged body on this earth.  You’d had enough of the fight.  I know it was your choice to leave.  But I miss you so much.  Love you Mum.

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