Next?

Time to give you all an update as I’ve received a number of calls, emails and anxious texts asking about the bump and irritating pain… ‘does that mean it’s back?’… ‘is the silence something we should worry about?’… ‘tell us how it really is?’… etc.  So, here goes.
I’ve decided to take a new approach to this cancer-Phyllodes-thingy.  For those of you who know me well, you will know that I’m generally a very annoyingly positive person who can see the good in anyone (oooh how that’s got me in to trouble in the past!!) and can see another angle on any situation leaving the only options for a brilliant ending or a wonderful beginning!  (Oh pants, I’m making myself quite nauseous – am I really like this?).
Anyway, my decision is I’m just simply NOT going to have this cancer-Phyllodes-thingy in my life (or body) any more.  It’s sort of impeded my living (read ‘misbehaving’) and taken up a huge amount of my time and energy – not always in a good way.  Enough is enough – So long farewell, auf weidersehen good-bye!  (I bet there’s a few of you humming that little song from the Sound of Music now, hehehe!)  Or for the Aussies reading this “bugga off Phyllodes” and for my Phyllodes sisters in the US “Phuck Phyllodes”.
The bump and irritating pain is simply just tissue reshuffling into the cavity – yes, I have decided that too – not confirmed by anyone medical but it’s MY body and I’ve decided!
Seriously though, I’ve also been thinking a lot about ‘why me’ and ‘why now’ did the pesky Phyllodes tumours arrive.  My conclusion is simple – it was the right time and in a funny way a good thing and one for which I’m (oddly) grateful.  It made me think.  It made me consider what’s important and what’s not.  It made me appreciate what I have now and also what I’ve lost.  It made me reevaluate friendships and relationships.  Most importantly, I think, is that it made me stop.
Most people (me included until this blip) rush from one thing to another, whether it’s life, career, family, making money or making ends meet.  In my case for quite some time it had been looking after Mum’s wellbeing and sharing the care arrangements, bills, outgoings and worries with my brother whilst trying hard to balance my own needs against the increasing needs of Mum.
We all wish we had more time but still manage to squeeze in another hour at work or another activity but never stop for long enough to listen to ourselves and to really hear the answers.  Often our work/life balance (or perhaps responsibility/life) is skewed and we feel pressured to perform or put in the extra hours, often to the detriment of things that make us happy, satisfied and content, such as our family or friends.  When was the last time you really really stopped?  I mean really stopped.  Previous to this blip, once in a while I’d have a whole weekend whereby I had nothing much on and would sort out some paperwork or clean out a cupboard and feel good about the new space or relieved that the long outstanding task had been finally done.  I then thought about what I would do next or what’s next on my list but I never stopped long enough to see beyond my list.  I didn’t think about what was really important to me just what was next.  I certainly didn’t think about what would have happened if I was no longer here and what my living would have meant to others – have I made a difference to just one person or one thing – I have wondered recently if the tumour had developed into something else and I hadn’t lived what would that mean.  Would I be content with the memories I leave behind?  Would I have left enough to be remembered well?
You see, I’m lucky to have had this blip.  I’m grateful to have worked out, at least in part, what’s important to me, who is important to me, what I would like to achieve, what I would like to be remembered for and if it’s possible, would you write my epitaph for my headstone in a way that I’d be proud of until the stone dissolves?   Life IS short and I’ve always tried hard to be the best I can be, to bring a little happiness and laughter into other peoples’ lives and to listen and be a good friend or confidant (to any one of any age).  Sometimes I may have got it right and at other times, I know I have not.  I hope however that where I have not people know that I’ve tried and just got it a bit wonky!
So, back to how I am.  I’m great.  I’m positive.  I’m determined.
Next medical bit for me.  To radiate or not to radiate – I’ll hear either Friday 18th or Monday 21st December from the team atheir decision.
Until then, I’m looking forward…

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