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Questions (a bit self-indulgent so feel free to skip!)

How do you find the resolve to keep on fighting? I hadn’t put this one out there for me to consider as an option. It took a lot of me to get through it before, to find reasons for the what if or when? How or why? Where or who? So many questions that I answered once and struggled with at the time and now I don’t know if those answers or reasons are good enough a second time round.

This weekend has passed in a fug (that’s a phrase that Mum would use but I think you get it). I don’t know what I did or even if I managed to finish any task I started. I look around the flat and there seems to be 100 things that are undone but need fixing… a bit like how I feel. Broken.

I don’t know what is worse – not knowing or thinking the worst.

The really annoying part is I don’t seem to be able to get myself in a good frame of mind and consider a) that it really is a radiographer’s joke; b) that it really is scar tissue; c) that it’s just me being Miss lumpy bumpy but nothing untoward; or d) the previous scan they compared me with belonged to someone else; or e) the radiographer didn’t have her glasses on! Right now I have only one question for me… where’s Miss Blinking Positive gone?

This probably reads as the most self-indulgent entry ever – possibly; probably but always honest.

But tomorrow is Monday and it’s a working day. I have heaps to do, to organise, to write, to create. Calls to make, emails to return, websites to design, research to be done… I don’t have time for this…

Gosh I hope tomorrow is a good day.

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