Today would have been Mum’s 73rd birthday. She died in 2009 from a long battle with Multiple Sclerosis. She was ready to die but I don’t think I was ready to let her go. Can’t tell you how incredibly selfish that sounds, even to me.
In the past few years there have been so many times when I’ve wanted to or needed to know something about her, our family or an event that happened… she would be the only one who’d know the answer and she’s not here to help. When I get into my car I often think about dialling her number on my hands free for a long chat whilst sat in traffic or on a motorway journey. They were the easiest chats, Mum always wanted to talk and I always seemed to have lots to do or be getting on with, so car chats were longer, more amiable wittering affairs. They were the times when we would talk, really talk, about everything and anything. Other calls seemed to be short snatched calls, and mostly were about her care, carers, finance, arrangements or such. So perhaps you understand why I wish I could call Mum from the car for a chat…
Mum didn’t ever knew I was diagnosed with cancer. My having found the lump the morning of her funeral. I wonder what she would have said and done to support me? It’s funny that something that has had such a huge impact in my life is something she hasn’t been able to know or help with.
I do know however that she would have been so extremely proud of what I have done and achieved since my diagnosis. Both in my personal life and with Living Beyond Diagnosis. I also know she would have been encouraging me along and probably calling everyone she knew to get involved with it too.
What now Mum? I need to go back into paid employment and I’m not sure where I want to go? I’ve gained huge amounts of skills and experiences in the past couple of years and I would like to channel my new found skills into my new career. I also know that I’d like to do something that matters, something that really matters.
Any ideas, Mum?