Today I’m up very early to drive to London and get that appointment with my Doctor. I need to ask him if I should be signed off from work – I know I can’t concentrate or come to that sit up at a desk for any length of time. I also feel that if I am signed off from work then my employers will ensure that my role is properly resources as my team have been taking the load and doing ridiculous hours under extreme stress. My team were already pushed and doing additional hours due to redundancies and new projects so I’ve felt terribly guilty being out of the office with Mum’s death and now this. The way I’m feeling right now I’m worried about work, my team and stressing about what’s going on but feeling helpless to do anything or cope with the day to day of life.
I’m also wondering how I can possibly do my bit of sorting and sifting Mum’s possessions and organising the house if I’m working – not that I feel I could drive there or lift anything anyway. I’m feeling useless. My doctor however laughed at me and said he didn’t ‘do sicknotes’. I was a little shocked but didn’t even have the energy to question this. He then insisted that I had a flu injection to help with my immunity whilst I’m in and out of hospital. As I was leaving he handed me a note and laughed – I looked at it and he told me off for thinking that I would only need a couple of weeks away from work if I was facing the treatment he knew was already booked in. He then said he’d signed me off for two months and even that would be reviewed after the results were in from the next operation.
This made it all so very real that I wouldn’t be up and about quickly. I think I’d thought I would be so to be ‘signed off’ for such a long period of time was yet another shock or reality check. I’m devastated and once again call on Millie’s support and call in for a cuppa/lunch.
Millie had also been doing research on the internet and had seen a lot of the same articles but also some others, so it was good to compare notes. It was horribly obvious that we were both skirting the worst scenarios though and eventually we got there. talking round and round until eventually I asked Millie to help me ensure that my wishes were looked after ‘just in case’. It was, though, a relief to then talk candidly about the articles and information that we’d both seen but avoided talking about as it was too scary. BUT I do need to remember that I need a balanced view and that not every treatment, operation, eventuality is for every person and indeed if I’m armed with all the facts and figures, I can take some control of my own treatment and proactively control my future… because there is one!