I woke this morning and noticed that my pillow was wet. I’d obviously been crying in my sleep again. It’s a toughy at the moment, trying hard to look on the positive side in that they WILL get the tumour and a clear margin and I’ll then be fine (subject to post op radiation therapy and regular tests). Although I am incredibly fortunate to be able to see the positive in almost every situation and have a giggle at myself when I get upset, I’m struggling with this as the operation looms and more, of the same, questions are rerunning in my head. Should I just elect for a mastectomy to maximise the chances of it’s clean removal? If so, would I have reconstruction surgery? Could I cope without a boobie? If I didn’t have it reconstructed would I (should I) remove the other one too again reducing the chances of it coming back in the other breast. But I’m still young (ish – I’m 41 going on 4!) and my boobies are important to me… I’d need a whole new wardrobe (which I can’t afford)… I love my lingerie… I’d look so very different… and I’m single… could I find someone to love me who’d want to see me naked?… BUT then again there’s heaps that I could do without boobies that I haven’t been able to do with them… like going running (they were always sooo painful when I ran or did aerobics type classes), even Pilates when I needed to lie on my front was painful… But then again, would I still feel feminine without one or both of them? OK, so today you’re really getting my inner ‘mares on this one. Gotta be positive. The next op will be the end of it and they’ll get it all. I don’t need to worry about being lopsided.
Right best get up and do some cleaning. Some of my colleagues are coming over to see me for lunch. Hmmmm will they bring Percy Pigs with them?
Lovely to catch up with my colleagues for lunch but am now exhausted again.. a little nap me thinks.