3 years and I’m still having a momentary panic!

Even in a tent with post-festival fever, I still awoke remembering the panic that I felt 3 years ago today.  Genuinely startled once again at remembering that moment when I was getting ready for Mum’s funeral that I felt the first lump… ‘we don’t have cancer in our family’, ‘it can’t be happening to me’ and ‘WTF do I do now?’.  Thank God I’d had a friend who’d lost 3 family members to cancer, awake and able to be the voice of reason at 6am that day.

Anyway, not ready to face the other remaining ‘campers’ I did what I do most mornings before getting out of bed… reach for the phone and check my email, social networks and support groups.  Sort of wish I hadn’t today.  No that’s not true.  Sort of wish I’d read something different.  The lovely Gwen passed away in the small hours of this morning.  Like many in the support groups, we’d not met in person but at different times had been in touch daily and shared parts of a very long road together.  Another fabulous young person with a zest for life cut short by cancer.  I, like so many, will miss the pithy comments and crazy Scottish phrases.

As for me, I know I’ve got to be vigilant about checking for lumps and I’ve just received my referral to The Royal Marsden Sarcoma team.  I’m still hugely nervous about my choice to leave the incredibly wonderful care of my lovely consultant at Kingston but know it’s the right thing to do to be with a specialist sarcoma team rather than the breast cancer unit… however it does feel a little like I’m on the cliff edge and hoping for no gusts of wind!

 

(PS I will write an entry for the festival shortly… just not truly in the mood to be upbeat!)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s