Nervous, moi?

OK, so for all the bravado and I’m OK positive noises… I’m a little lot nervous about my first 12 weekly check-up.  Sounds ridiculous to be so nervous and I wonder if some of my nerves are simply because of recent events.  I sort of hope that’s all it is but I also know that there’s still the pain and a new lump in the other breat – but hey that could be hormonal or something, right?  Or maybe I AM really a lumpy bumpy person and I didn’t really notice before this all began.  You see, I can’t help but wonder if I had been one of those very good girlies that check their breasts regularly and therefore know if something is abnormal early on, I might just know now if this is ‘odd’.

One thing I do know is tell your friends, family and whoever will listen to do so to check breasts regularly… How do I check?

We’ve lost some angels

My world has been shaken to the core today, two of my phyllodes sisters died last night both of them so young and beautiful and so much to give.
Incredible to think that phyllodes can really take a hold so quickly Lynda had been in Atlanta in February at the Conference.  However after the journey, had felt so fatigued whilst she was there, we didn’t manage to meet up with her.  How can this happen?
So many of my support group are also reeling from this news.  I guess, like me, we rely on the little information we have from our medical teams and research that we are forced to do ourselves due to such little information.  We must cling to the information we find and through our support network remain resolute that this can’t happen and we can remain positive – but this happens…  and I’m left wondering how…
If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or fight like hell. ~Lance Armstrong
I’ll fight.  I’ll educate.  I’ll make sure that none of my Phyllodes lose their lives in vain.  I’ll also make sure that so far as I can find energy, resources and love, I will also ensure that there’s support and a shoulder to lean on when times are tough.  I’ll fight like hell… but first I need some recovery time of my own.

Talk about ups and downs

I feel like I’ve been on a rollercoaster again.. and those of you who know me, know that I’m not a fan of fair rides!
It seems that with every high, there’s a low.  With every smile, there’s a grimace.  With every positive thought, there’s a negative one.  With every step forward, there’s a backward step.
Each of these instances are putting me to the test again.  I’m trying hard to believe the good stuff and ignore the bad; to support others diagnosed with phyllodes; to plan for a future, my future; to believe that I’m done with phyllodes, with no more surgery or treatment; to remember that everything happens for a reason and to use every experience for good.
This week I have been shocked that phyllodes has spread in some of my phyllodes sisters to other soft tissue areas.  One fo my team is in ICU and another checking into a hospice.  I’m not sure if I was lied to by the medics or they simply just don’t know.  When will they really know something about this rare cancer and be able to find a cure.
Please pray for those diagnosed with phyllodes and particularly those with advanced or recurrent tumours.  I would like to believe that some comfort can be felt by our collectively supporting eachother.

?

It’s been a while since I updated you… mostly because I’m finding it difficult to know where I am.  I don’t know if I’m waiting for something to finish or something to begin but I feel lost.  It’s difficult to explain and I’ve thought long and hard about it and found no answers.. yet.  Bear with me.  I am desperate to move forward but not sure where I want to go or what to do.  I KNOW that I want to get the conference on the go but am struggling to find a way to finance it (my time) and create the time to plan it properly..  I know that I want to get back to a social life that I’ve had before, to go to the theatre, opera, dinner, drinks, parties etc etc.. I know that I want to live in my own home again and to be surrounded by my possessions… I know that I want to be able to live for a single day without worrying about the cancer returning.. I know that I want a pain free day… I know that I want to feel confident and comfortable with my new body shape and image… I know that I want to stop crying… I know so much but don’t know how to get there or who to ask for help…  I did however read an article to day that helped me realise that I’m not alone…Living Beyond Breast Cancer… I’m OK and I know that I need to go through this to become a better fulfilled and happy person but it’s hard…

Time

I’ve been conscious that I’ve still so much to sort and organise relating to Mum’s estate and possessions, not helped that I live in a small country cottage which is now creaking at the seams with boxes and paperwork. So my job this weekend is to get things organised. Sorry BigI for cancelling weekend plans at short notice but it’s been getting me down a bit as I want to move forward and feel that I’m being pulled back.

I also needed time to reflect on all that I learnt last weekend and all that it taught me. I’ve also been reminded that I don’t have Mum around to tell about last weekend.. I just know she’d have been excited that I’m going to put together a conference for the UK and Europe – in fact I know she’d have her address books out and probably have already made some calls before I’d even finished telling her about my plans! Miss you Mum.

I’m still absolutely driven that we need one of these Conferences in the UK and available to our friends in Europe… so here goes… if you’re willing to help, in anyway, please contact me, cos this is GOING to happen.

Follow up appointments

As you know I’ve been wondering when I’ll get my appointment through for my first 12 week check. Every whinge and pain reminds me that I’m waiting and me, being me, pushes it to the back of my mind with a ‘it’s just the breast tissue memory and scar healing’ – but even if it is, I’d like to know for sure.

So I called the hospital to find out when the 12 weeks runs from; my scans, surgery No. 1, surgery No. 2? The team I spoke to didn’t know the answer but did confirm that I had an appointment in the diary for 21st April. I’m not sure why I haven’t received any notification though but I guess that’ll mean that they take the 12 weeks from the surgical follow up appointment.

About 10 minutes after I hung up from my hospital call, my GP called me. I know I’ve told you before that I have the best GP in the whole world… I really do! He said he knew what my medical notes said but he wanted to check how I was doing in myself. How I’m coping. What an angel.

Strange though that he should call when I’ve been anxious about my hospital appointment…

Reflections

So what did I learn?

  • As a cancer patient or as a cancer survivor, I’m not alone, unless I want to be.
  • I AM in control of my life, my health and my future.
  • If I need help or support, for any reason and at any time, I should ask for it.
  • Support and help can be found in the oddest of places – open your eyes
  • Laugh… often.
  • Don’t sweat the small stuff.
  • I’ll never be the same person I was before cancer but that’s something to be proud of and to embrace.
  • Use everything in life for good.  Learn from it, share with others and believe that it’s all for a reason and better purpose.
  • What I look like on the outside does NOT reflect who I am on the inside.
  • When I meet someone to share my life with, I’ll be ready to share my scars.
  • I share my experiences with some truly wonderful people and I’m honoured to do so.
  • Live every day, every hour, every minute and every second.

And did attending the Conference answer my questions that I had before attending?

  • How to realise I have a future and not just plan for the now.
  • How to feel comfortable with my new body image and feel that although I look different and am scarred that I can accept the new me… and maybe one day be able to be OK with a new partner seeing me too.
  • How to use my experiences to help others without dwelling on my personal issues.
  • How to eat better and be healthier and use natural foods to manage and keep cancer away.
  • How to be an inspiration to others both in my attitude, outgoing and learnings.

Hell yeah!  Thank you to each and every one of you who helped me get there and support my insane need to travel so far for answers.  Financially, emotionally or physically.  Love you all. xxx

Remember: I’m a person living with cancer NOT dying from it.


These ladies are awesome!

If you can imagine always being told that you’ve a rare cancer and you’ve struggled finding anyone with the same thing in the country you live in or information to hand about the best course of treatment or the future prognosis… but then going from feeling isolated to meeting people online but wanting to chat easily about Phyllodes or hug someone who’s in the same boat and THEN being at this Conference with people who are also the same as you with the same rare cancer who laugh in the same way (mostly at Phyllodes 😉 ) and are real and inspiring and alive.

In 30 minutes we start the first of the sessions of the Conference… Agenda

Midday and Team Phyllodes met in the hotel lobby and headed eagerly downstairs to register and discover what the Conference was all about.  After completing the inevitable paperwork, we were presented with a bag of Conference goodies… you know a huge bag of books, advertisements, guides and gifts from exhibitors – a mightily heavy bundle it was too (sort of ironic since many attendees would have been advised not to carry heavy bags around!).   

We then “lei’d” each other with the appropriate coloured lei to celebrate our survivorship.   

White: Diagnosis less than 1 year ago; Green: Diagnosis 1-5 years ago; Purple: Diagnosis 6-9 years ago; Pink: Diagnosis 10 years ago or longer; Orange: Diagnosed with advanced (metastatic) breast cancer; Red: At high risk; Yellow: Caregiver, family member or friend; Blue: Healthcare professional.

This simple colour coding helped us all identify where our fellow survivors were in their journey but also symbolically enabled us to feel part of a much larger support network.

Next was a tour of the Exhibitors Hall.  The Hall was filled with charities, support network organisations, research companies and hospitals etc together with corporate exhibitors who sell critical products and provide services to breast cancer survivors such as wigs, cosmetics, underwear, lymphedema sleeves, books  and also promotional fund raising goods.  During the weekend, I wandered through the Hall many times asking questions of exhibitors, picking up leaflets and information and learning so much by also listening to others asking questions and receiving answers.  Once again I was struck by the amount of support and advice available to survivors but also aware that this kind of information is perhaps difficult to source for those without the internet or access to this event in the US.

My first workshop was “We are What We Eat: Fight Cancer One Meal at a Time” presented by Shayna Komar and Chef Nancy Waldeck.    www.foodnews.org www.tasteandsavor.com www.livingandeatingwell.com

I thought I had an idea of healthy eating and I thought I knew how to cook healthily but golly I learnt heaps of good tips from this workshop.  So, I’m going to tell you it all (or as much as I can) and hope that some of this is useful to you in your everyday life or if you’re reading this as a cancer survivor, this may help you become even healthier to fight the little blighter! 

Weight loss  – I also learned (or perhaps had confirmed) that weight loss is important – a lot of women diagnosed with cancer are overweight… although it can’t be proven that we wouldn’t have had cancer in any event, I like to think that I can reduce my chances of a recurrence or metastases by reducing my weight – and have more energy into the bargain!

Low fat diet – A low fat diet has many health aspects but for those breast cancer survivors who are PR/ER negative, the medical teams have proven that there is a lower percentage of recurrence for those survivors who have a low fat diet.

Vegetable sprouts rather than the whole veg – ½ cup of the sprouting vegetable = 1.5 cups of whole veg, so try to choose young sprouting veg to get more nutritional benefit.

Reducing inflammation and increasing immune function:

Deeper the colour = higher antioxidant content. 

Quercin – found in red onion, cherries, citrus fruit, green tea and red grapes.

Allicin – Garlic contains a good source, so try to incorporate this every day.

Green Tea – Rather than drinking endless cups of green tea, you can cook your vegetables or pasta in green tea to increase your intake of this valuable antioxidant.  Also suggested anything cooked with water, add a little green tea!

Water – Drink lots to help flush your system.

Beta-Carotene rich foods – Add some of these to your diet weekly.  Good sources are carrots, sweet potato, squash, cantaloupe and mango.

Eat smaller mini meals – particularly when undergoing treatment of any kind… and make sure you include some fat ie avocado, nuts or olive oil.

Reduce – wheat, dairy and sugar

Power foods – Greens, Kale, Sprouts, Onions, Tomato, Pumpkin, Squash, Sweet Potato, Oils, Healthy Fat Fish, Berries, Beans, Garlic, Probiotics, Spices, Herbs, Tea, Cruciferous vegetables, fresh turmeric and fresh ginger – so if you’re feeling like you need some good stuff, try to include a few of these extra in your diet.

Cleanse – Drink lemon and ginger in hot water as an alternative to coffee or tea.

Chocolate – is GOOD for you!  Well a little bit and some chocolate.  Look at the label and choose only the chocolate with over 60% cocoa content.  Also be aware that any labelling mentioning ‘processed with alkali’ or ‘dutch processed’ means all the good stuff has gone from the bar, so avoid.  Also avoid if ‘sugar’ is listed before the cocao content… oh and just in case you get carried away, the antioxidant benefits are only if you have no more than 1oz a day!  But enjoy.

Nuts – Brazil nuts contain a good source of selenium, Almonds a good source of ‘good fat’ and Walnuts a good source of omega fatty acids.  All nutrients that help fight breast cancer, so if you want to nibble, nibble on one of these nuts!

Almond Butter – Instead of peanut butter or normal butter on your bread, use almond butter.

Almond Milk  – Make yourself some almond milk and use this in your cooking or with your porridge in the morning.

Greek Yoghurt – Good greek yoghurt is also a good source of protein – and you can get this in a low fat variety too!

Salt – Reduce your salt intake by sometimes swapping the salt (even in your cooking) for a little citrus zest… it tastes the same and is better for you!

Intensify flavours and goodness of some veg – Salt and stand water based vegetables such as tomatoes and cucumber.  Water will drain from the veg leaving you with a much more intense flavour in the veg but without losing any goodness.

Pomegranate molasses – Use a pomegranate molasses as a sweetener instead of any sugars.  I think in the UK this may only be attainable from health food shops and small specialist food stores but the benefits of pomegranate are huge and of course we’re also reducing our sugar intake!

Cinnamon – Add a pinch or so of cinnamon to your coffee/porridge etc – it’s good for you!

Soy – The controversial subject of soy.  If you’ve had soy in your diet your whole life, carry on and increase your intake a little.  However if like me, you’ve only dabbled with the odd bit of soy or you have a hormone related cancer, (with care) we’re advised to include no more than 3 soy foods per week to our diet.  Miso, edamame and tofu are fabulous sources.

Wine – Hmmmm I didn’t get quite the right answer I wanted… err look at the label and educate yourself about what you’re drinking and ask your oncologist!  Red wine is better than white but limited amounts…. errr 4-5oz glass per day.  L

So, how to do it:

  • Get in to the kitchen and cook
  • Read the labels when you’re in the supermarket
  • Get fresh food from markets or direct from the farm
  • Choose organic where possible however freshness must take precedence
  • Skip sugar and keep to natural sugars wherever possible
  • Enjoy the food and savour the tastes
  • Eat slower
  • Read up and take advice.   Some websites at the top of this entry too.

Nutritional Rules to Live by:

  1. Come back to earth and think about what you’re eating.
  2. Eat breakfast.
  3. Eat smaller portions.
  4. Stay hydrated.
  5. Include a lean protein to your diet (beans or nuts).
  6. Choose foods rich in fibre.
  7. Look at your food first and then add supplements to your diet, if needed and advised. 
  8. Talk to someone knowledgeable about integrating the right foods with any medication.
  9. Colour your plate… remember a good colouring means you’re getting different nutrients.
  10. Get rest.

I hope you find the above as interesting as I did… oh and there’s recipes and tips on their websites too.

Group Photo

Late afternoon we were gathered around the pool for the survivors’ group photos.  The first photo was for all survivors.  There were over 900 participants at the Conference – it still shocks me that there are so many of us affected by cancer and more to the point, that all attendees were ‘young’ ie under 45 years of age.  I know that so many people say that disease and illness doesn’t care about your age, sexuality or the colour of your skin but it sucks!  There were ‘children’ amongst us – teenage girls should be excited about their new buds growing and making them into beautiful young women, NOT finding out they have breast cancer.  BUT we stood, side by side, giggling and laughing, shuffling into position, supporting each other and chatting amongst ourselves whilst those of us in the front row also tried desperately not to fall into the pool! 

There was also an ‘international attendee’ photograph taken.  I represented the UK whilst 7 others made up the international group from Brazil, Germany, Turkey and Canada.

Hard Rock Cafe

We decided to head out to the Hard Rock Cafe for a drink before joining another 85 participants for dinner at the Hard Rock.  Team Phyllodes (and honorary guests) tucked into a cocktail or two and before long we needed dinner…. and the other 85 or so weren’t yet there!  Ooops we dined in our group – hey the prosthetic boob had been bought out and the wigs were off – much to the sniggers of our group and horror of other drinkers, we needed to eat!  You know what though, the horrorified looks came from a group of balding men behind us when a wig was removed… well that was until we pointed out that at least our sista’s hair would grow back!  OK so we all ended up friends in the bar but for a few seconds I realised that you really can embarrass an American man!

PJ Party with Pure Romance

Yes you read correctly, a pyjama party with adult toys!  Here goes, I may as well shock you all a little more… first I mentioned the C word out LOUD (errr that’s Cancer!) and now I’ve mentioned adult toys! 

We all got changed into our nightwear (me in an all-in-one) sleepsuit that I’d had made with my cancer forum name on it) and went downstairs to one of the bigger conference rooms.  For many this may seem trite and silly but by having a good ‘slightly outrageous’ fun time hosted by Pure Romance on the stage, many attendees were able to talk freely about the side affects of chemo, radiation and surgery on their young bodies.  Imagine going through or being post-menopause at the age of 24. Imagine a relationship where you don’t want to be seen or feel inadequate due to the side affects.  Although most survivors need intimacy more than the sexual act itself, it’s often hard to communicate this to partners and some relationships are strained or breakdown because of this. 

By making light of the situation, giggling and laughing with fellow survivors and understanding that actually what you’re going through is quite normal.  There ARE ways of moving forward and retaining that intimacy by finding a way to talk, feel and also by using products and toys..  but without any prudishness.   Hey and it’s not all about the man having to have be an owner operator for a long while!

I’ll leave you, for today, with a quote from the Conference that sums up just how much attending this Conference and being with fellow survivors (in particular Jenny and Team Phyllodes) has meant to me…

If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember… you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think… but the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you”  (Winnie the Pooh).

Ahem

I’m not sure if it’s jetlag or the final bottle of wine that I shared with, my long-lost bezzie mate, Paul last night but I’m having difficulty getting out of bed.

Paul (who lives in Atlanta) collected me from the airport (which if you’ve even flown through ATL you’ll understand is a ‘mare for security) and after checking in and dumping my bags we headed out for dinner. In ATL time, I was back home and in bed by 11pm… err however it was 6am UK time – hey maybe we were just remembering the ‘good old days’ when we used to party!

Most of the attendees arrived late afternoon and I have shopping to do (for others!) so headed out into Atlanta and brave as brave can be took their version of the metro uptown to a huge shopping mall. Hey in the UK we think Westfield is big! Successful shopping mission (for others!) and managed to find my way home too… she’s goooood!

Three of my Phyllodes sisters arrived in the afternoon and we met up for dinner. I can’t tell you how truly wonderful it is to meet some of the ladies who really got me through some rough times, albeit over the internet. It was wonderful to give them a hug and then over dinner for all of us to talk frankly about our experiences, how and what we’ve discovered about Phyllodes and managed operations, treatments and metastases. But the most important part is just that we’re all so positive and upbeat about life and living it… oh boy we laughed lots last night. Another of my sisters arrived late last night and joined us for a final drink before crashing in my room.

Enroute

I’m surprised at how badly I slept last night. I’m obviously more anxious about this trip than I’m letting on… even to myself!

There’s been such a lot of expectation, by me, about the Conference, to answer questions, get reassurances, share and listen to survivors’ stories, learn more about living with cancer and attending workshops and seminars.

For me, I want to learn a million things but the main few are:

  • How to realise I have a future and not just plan for the now.
  • How to feel comfortable with my new body image and feel that although I look different and am scarred that I can accept the new me… and maybe one day be able to be OK with a new partner seeing me too.
  • How to use my experiences to help others without dwelling on my personal issues.
  • How to eat better and be healthier and use natural foods to manage and keep cancer away.
  • How to be an inspiration to others both in my attitude, outgoing and learnings.

I’m also acutely aware at how incredibly blessed I am to have been able to attend this Conference. From learning about it’s existence via new and wonderful Phyllodes sisters that I’ve met online, to friends’ assistance with the cost of the trip, to the support from so many known and unknown people who read my journey online and send supportive messages.

I believe that I’m the only attendee from the UK – they’ll be able to spot me, I’ll be the only one thinking its summer and behaving with a little British reserve (NOT)!

I’m also aware that this sort of event sets out (although I may revise that after attending) to be an invaluable meeting for survivors of breast cancers, allowing us to be at ease with our queries, questions and concerns and share our learnings with others who have or are going through the same things. Suddenly, we’re not alone any more – and I truly can’t express how much that simple statement means.

It would be incredible if we could make this event accessible to all… wherever they live geographically… but cost of travel and accommodation are often prohibitive… BUT right now, I’m fired up to believe that this sort of event to be hosted in the UK or Europe would be amazing and I’d love love love to be part of, or instrumental in, organising this event in the UK. I know that there’s a need for it… so who’s going to help me do it?