Ups and downs

I figured it was about time I gave you a little update.

For the most part I’ve felt like a million dollars. Its difficult to explain how I felt that a huge weight had been lifted once I had received answers to my questions and queries and made the decision not to do anything else. When I’ve felt energised and rested it’s felt great, I’ve felt positive and wanted to move forward with my life AND grateful for having a life. I’m enjoying getting in touch and meeting up with friends again.

However when I’m tired or the niggling pain is a little more intense… or when I wonder how I’m going to move forward with my life when I don’t feel assured that I’m ‘safe’ yet.

How can I plan ahead or book anything in the future when I don’t know what will happen? Will the niggling pains be there forever to remind me what has happened? Or are they just a precursor to the cancer returning?
How do people deal with it? Do they just take day by day and hope that tomorrow is better than yesterday? Smile hard and hope that the good feeling people get when they see a smile rubs back onto me. When I was younger I don’t remember being told that growing up was tough… not like this… can I be 4 again please?

16 days until the Conference in Atlanta – I hope I find some answers there… maybe others who are going through/have gone through this will be able to help me.

An ickle update

I’m pleased to report that I’ve been busy… busy having a life and feeling that I’ve got a life to live. It’s funny but once I was able to make my decision and feel that I made my decision armed with information and support, I felt better. I felt that I had control. I felt I could breathe again. Things have happened since that moment that normally I would get angry at or at the least irritated… instead I’ve been able to laugh at it and remember that there really are worse things to worry about in life.

I have still got the niggling pains I had before and that I’ve been told relate to the tissue settling down… sometimes I wonder when it will stop but nothing that a few paracetemol won’t sort out.

Annoyingly though the pain is also meaning that I’m not sleeping well – the joy of being one of those unusual people who sleeps on their front! – and now I’m back at work, I don’t get to have a lie-in.

Although I’m feeling positive about my experience and my outlook, I’m still acutely aware of my remaining concerns – my body image changes, new relationships, possible recurrence, what next moments etc – but I’m also aware of others who haven’t been so lucky with Phyllodes and whom continue to fight for good health and even for some who have had metastases to other areas of their bodies. What’s strange is that sometimes I feel guilty that I’m feeling better. OK so there are lots of aspects I’m still struggling with and there’s also an annoying little voice in my head that reminds me I don’t have an all clear but the louder voice in my head tells me that I’m going to be OK. Then I hear about others, or the pain reappears and I start thinking. Probably to a lot of you this may sound ridiculous, weak and negative and I struggle with the positive attitude and these feelings daily. I wouldn’t however give up being in touch with my Phyllodes ladies or trying to reach out to others or learn more about this rare cancer and update the reference page on this website… I remember how much I desperately searched for information or help when I was first diagnosed or just needed someone who had been diagnosed with Phyllodes to tell me that I’m not alone and support me.

I sent the below email to friends and family to update them on my current outlook. I included the link to the fundraising page and I’m soooo very very chuffed that people have been so very generous when times are tough for everyone. You will know from this page how very much my attending the Conference means to me and I couldn’t afford to attend had I not received a grant from the Fund. I am so pleased that my fundraising page and your contributions may enable others to attend the Conference and for them also, it will be such a huge source of information, support and assistance. Thank you.

I am reminded every day by your actions how much I’m loved.

Email to friends and family – “Me… Part II”

“Hello All

I know that some of you have been reading my website and keeping up to date with my progress via the website, email, facebook, phone and in person. But I wanted to drop you a quick note with some good news! Thank you first for all your support over the past few months.

Since my initial email, I have undergone two surgeries to remove the tumours and surrounding ‘bad’ tissue. I have also had to learn a lot about this rare cancer and search for answers that just simply aren’t available due to the rarity of this type of cancer. For instance in the UK it isn’t even classified in the NHS database (although I’m having that one changed (!), so that we can at least find out how rare this is in the UK). I’ve found and met many wonderful people, medical staff and Phyllodes survivors – in the UK and all around the world. It has been a crazy journey.

I have also been very fortunate with my doctors and medical specialists – they’ve told me how it really is and been honest with me, discussing each step of the way and listening to my concerns and hearing about my discoveries. They have held my hand through the journey and provided me with the tools to make my own decisions (with their advice) and ‘control’ my cancer. This week I had two meetings, one with a senior consultant at Chelsea’s Royal Marsden and the next day with my surgeon. I won’t go into great details (it’s on my website) but the upshot is that I was given time to discuss my findings, get answers to my questions and concerns, weigh up the odds of recurrence -v- reducing the risk of recurrence through further surgery, treatment or drugs and then allowed to make my own informed decision. My decision was that the reduced ‘odds’ of a recurrence that I may have with additional treatment, surgery or drugs remains unproven and are not enough to go through any more. On the condition however that they support me, set up and have regular checkups (every 12 weeks) together with their absolute confirmation that if I have any concerns or wobbles about my decision they will, once again, hold my hand through any new part of this journey.

Sadly I don’t have the luxury of ever getting the ‘all clear’ and will do everything within my power to stop it from recurring (without surgery or drugs). I have met so many ladies who have had one or more recurrence and it is vital in the first few years to be vigilant but I’ve been lucky so far, so loooong may it continue.

I am going to attend the Annual Conference for Young Women affected by Breast Cancer (www.youngsurvivorsconference.org) (and yes I’m apparently still young until I’m 45! Whoohooo). There are lots of reasons why I want/need to attend the Conference, not least is to meet some of the ladies that I’ve met online who are also Phyllodes survivors and who have helped me find information, get involved in clinical trials, listen to my worries and concerns and generally pick me up when it got too much. I hope that I’ve also offered them support on their journey and am so looking forward to meeting them in real life. I’m looking forward to attending the workshops and seminars to learn more about living with breast cancer, coming to terms with the physical and mental changes to my body and my future and outlook. What’s also wonderful is that the medical teams I met with this week are also excited that I’m attending and have asked me to feed back anything that I find that may be useful for them about Phyllodes or managing breast cancer as a survivor. I suspect that we may also raise some awareness at the Conference about Cystosarcoma Phyllodes – I don’t think any of our band of ladies are known as quiet wallflowers! I, of course, will also post information I find out or links to more resources on my website so that others diagnosed with Phyllodes may find answers quicker than I did.

I know from the website reporting that my site has been returned in Google searches from newly diagnosed people and I have received emails thanking me for my site, story and research links. If I can help just one other person, then I’ve put to good use my experiences and something good will have come from my ‘not so good’ foray into life with cancer.

The Conference is a lifeline for many and provides information and support touching subjects that are hard to deal with or face as a young survivor of breast cancer. You will know from my website that I often had concerns about how I would perceive how I look after surgery and indeed any future partners/relationships. In order to afford to attend the Conference I applied for and received a grant and know that I was lucky to receive this funding. Sadly the funding has run out and some of my Phyllodes sisters are not able to attend as they don’t have a grant. This funding is critical for many in the US as they don’t have the wonderful NHS and free medical care that we have in the UK so simply can’t attend over affording to be pay for surgery/treatment. I can’t imagine making a decision about what I’m going to go without, in order to pay for a surgery or delaying a surgery or treatment whilst I worked extra jobs to save up for it! I have set up a donation page for this fund so that this may enable others to attend too and would ask, if you’re able to, please
donate http://youngsurvivors.kintera.org/faf/r.asp?t=4&i=332532&u=332532-279959333&e=3032070402

For now though, I’m thrilled to be getting on with my life and looking forward to a future. Slowly I’m recovering my energy levels and am now back at work. It’s sort of nice to be ordinary again… as if I ever was!

Watch out World, she’s back and got a whole lot of life to live!

Finally, again I thank you for your support which has been amazing and just when I needed it there was always an email, card, call, text message or knock on the door.

Lots of love and I hope to catch up with you very soon.

AnnaGoAnna
PS I was trying to complete this email and going to send it over the weekend… but hahaha the pesky blighters are trying to stop me and my get up and go… my car broke down and I spent Sunday evening/night being driven home in a breakdown truck with my car hanging off the back!!! Humph, it’s merely a blip!”

It’s all over… for now – champagne please…

After a frustrating 2.5hr school run to drop off Millie’s children in the snow and ice, we decided it would be sensible if I went to the hospital alone so that Millie would be able to collect them from schools on time. As it turned out the journey was easier than usual and, for the most part, the roads clear of snow/ice/people!

My appointment with my surgeon and Macmillan nurse was on time, so far so good. After a quick examination my surgeon confirmed that the lump and pains were associated with the area that had been stitched internally and externally and will dissipate in time. He also examined my left breast and glands to set my mind at rest about the other pains.

Once dressed, we sat in the consultation room comfortably and my surgeon asked me ‘what do you want to do next? Surgery, Radiation, Re-examination of the pathology…?? ‘

‘Somewhat unusual’ the Macmillan nurse’s eyebrows said and my surgeon explained to her that he knew I had been doing research, asking questions and speaking with other Phyllodes survivors about my case together with yesterday’s consultation. I told him of my decisions that I had made before, during and after yesterday’s consultation which in summary was that I didn’t want any other surgery or treatment at this time. I was happy that my queries and concerns had been answered. I was also happy that the pains were manageable now that I knew it wasn’t a recurrence. He reconfirmed that should I have any concerns at all in the future or any new questions, I should call or make an appointment immediately. This once again assured me that I wasn’t going to be left worrying but am getting the very best treatment and care.

We also agreed the follow up schedule, as discussed the day before, would be every three months for the first year, six monthly for the second year and annually thereafter.

One question that I know will come up and one that I don’t want to fall off the radar is the evening up of my two boobs. After the two surgeries I have been left with scarring and a smaller right breast, although given what I could have been left with, I’m very lucky that the difference is not drastic and can be addressed without surgery. However I don’t want to do anything about it now and indeed if my own self image is better may decide not to do anything about it, ever. I know that I need to lose a lot of weight and that this weight loss may make the difference more or even less obvious (women often lose weight from their breasts but it may not be evenly lost due to the surgery). So my job – I need to lose weight and get myself to a ‘stable’ weight. At that point I may then be asking the surgical team what options are available to me to even out my right and left breasts. Until then I shall be satisfied with the assistance of Rigby & Peller’s magical inserts and, perhaps, some custom made lingerie to address the natural imbalance. But for now, I’m happy that the onus is on me and I don’t want surgery until I’ve done that. I would hate to have surgery once and then lose weight to need surgery again.

For now I need to look ahead, to plan, to schedule, to organise my life. I need to work out if I will have difficulties with mortgages, life policies, financial planning etc and how I manage this. I also need to come to terms with my new body image and how this will affect my emotional future. I’m hoping that meeting others at the Atlanta Conference I will be able to understand how others have overcome these issues too. So here goes… I will only update this website if I have more information or my healthy position changes or in the run up to the Conference… Well, I’ve got my life to restart and get back on track, so forgive me if I pick up the phone, turn up on your doorstep, push you into going out or coming round but I’ve got things to do…

But before I go for now… thank you for your support, emails, calls and positive vibes. They obviously worked and I know I couldn’t have gone through this journey with so few minor blips, without you all. Thank you.

Questions and Answers

Today I’m anxious and I’m quite sure my blood pressure is through the roof.  I can’t help but wonder if the pathology is in and if I’m going to meet with a new consultant to hear results that I don’t want to hear.  I know that my head has been in a terrible place this past few weeks but is my head right?  I left heaps of time to get to the hospital and arrived in South Kensington over an hour and a half before the appointment was due. 

South Kensington/Chelsea was a little bit of my stomping ground many years ago and a lot of stories/memories (fortunately) have been long forgotten about those times.  I wandered slowly towards the Royal Marsden past Pond Place, where I had my 25th birthday party in a basement bar – what a fantastic night (remember? – Jax/Melissa/Mark/J.  Sadly the bar is long closed and in fact there are weeds trailing down the steps and if it hadn’t been freezing and icy, I’m quite sure I would have heard the tumble weed roll down the roadway (instead of the ‘Oi – I fink it’s closed’ from the workman the other side of the road!).  I looked back up the road and remember evenings at The Collection or lunches at PJs with the med teams of the Chelsea & Westminster on Sundays… ooh so many good times.  

I haven’t mooched around this area of years and it was with mixed feelings whilst looking back upon some wonderful times/memories and looking/hoping that there’s a future which will enable me to create more wonderful memories. 

After a short wait in the hospital waiting area of the ‘Wallace Wing’ (errr did they name it in anticipation of my arrival?), I was taken into a consulting room and left to strip off to my waist and put on one of those gorgeously sexy hospital gowns! After an examination I was told by this Snr Consultant that she was extremely impressed with my surgeon’s handiwork and was satisfied from this ‘manual’ exam that there was no worrying lumps or bumps.  She did also confirm my anxiety about there being a difference in size after the two operations but that could be fixed at a later stage, if I wanted.

She then asked what questions I had and looked a little askance when I pulled out my folder and notebook!  When I apologised about having the questions it was wonderful to hear her say that I should ask questions and should make sure that I have the answers and should research Phyllodes tumours and should take control and own my health.  Having a rare cancer has taught me that I cannot sit back and take comfort in previous cases or well-trodden medical  surgeries or treatment paths – there are none.

So for other Phyllodes survivors the answers I got were:

Sufficient clear margins – There is currently no recommended measurement of sufficient clear margins however the margins that were taken she believes are adequate.  4mm with a clean surgical removal is sufficient.

Hormone negative receptors, do they have any bearings on whether a recurrence will appear? –  I discussed that I had read that there may be a link between survivors with negative hormone receptors (ER-/PR-) being at higher risk of a Phyllodes tumours.  My consultant advised that, for Phyllodes, she is unaware in the UK of this being researched and pathology is not tested for hormone receptors.  However she will pass this information to the research teams and suggest that any Phyllodes pathology is tested to see if there may be a link. (There are links with other breast cancers and hormone receptors)

Pathology – I neglected to ask if my pathology had in fact been re-examined however am satisfied that should they have felt it necessary they would indeed have ensured it had been.

Stabbing/pinching pains, why? – My concern was that the pains I’ve been experiencing are sharp and similar to the pains I was getting when I had the tumour (although the skin isn’t hot to the touch now).  I was worried, of course, that the tumour was back and growing again.  Or that I may, as other Phyllodes sister had been told that I had ‘Mondor’s Disease‘ which although sounds scary will pass in time with massage and pain relief.  However the consultant told me something that I really didn’t know – breast tissue is similar to a memory foam mattress (my interpretation not hers!).  Apparently breast tissue will remember what a feeling/pain was like and mimic this at a later stage.  In my instance where the tissue is reshuffling and the scar tissue shrinking, the most recent memory feeling it has is the pain I had during the tumour growing and therefore has learnt to replicate that pain.  Apparently women who breastfeed can often experience the feeling of breastfeeding many years later.  For me and I’m sure others who have undergone soft tissue surgery, it’s worth remembering and although it doesn’t negate the need for vigilance to check for recurrence, it may be just remembering the sensation of pain.

Pain also in the left breast – The consultant was able to assure me that there were no lumps or bumps to be concerned by (from the manual examination) and perhaps the pain is simply hormonal or the left breast has gone out in sympathy with the right!

Recurrence – We discussed the potential of a recurrence given that I had a malignant Phyllodes tumour.  What are the odds and are there any details on how long I may have before a recurrence occurs.  The consultant said that the first two years were the highest risk and therefore we would ensure that there was an adequate follow up program in place to pick up any oddities quickly and also put my mind at rest that I’m not waiting long.  She also assured me that should I feel worried by pain, lumps or generally, then I should call them immediately and would be bought in for consultations and testing urgently.

Radiotherapy – We discussed further my thoughts on pursuing radiotherapy at this point.  Since my original request for this to be considered I have researched this further and also spoken at length with the radiotherapy consultant. 

One very interesting point that I had not been aware of is that radiation on a soft tissue sarcoma may induce further recurrence.  There are no stats for this but it is believed to be a concern therefore I’m now not convinced that this really would give me a 20% better chance.  I have chosen to leave radiation until I really need it and to consider further surgery, more drastic surgery, before any radiotherapy is undertaken.  

Grading of malignancy – In the US Phyllodes tumours are graded, in the same way that other breast cancers are graded, however in the UK I have found no grading or staging.  I asked what grade/stage my malignant Phyllodes tumour was and if this classification may have any bearing on any potential recurrence.  I was told that grading/staging is not done in the UK.

Metastasing – In the UK they believe that there is a very low risk of a Phyllodes tumour metastasing to other soft tissue areas of the body.  Sadly, I do know Phyllodes survivors in the US who have cancers in other areas however wonder if these cancers are related to metastasing.  With the regular checkups and me being vigilant I am hopeful that this will not affect me.

Tamoxifen – There is a school of thought that Tamoxifen may assist with Phyllodes survivors (or other soft tissue sarcomas) to reduce the risk of recurrence.  This is a drug used regularly for breast cancer survivors.  We discussed this as a potential option for treatment for me however there are a number of side affects including blood related issues.  I weighed up the potential reduced odds of recurrence -v- my concerns about having any more blood clots and decided that the risk, for me, was too high to try for a maybe.  However for others this may be of interest.

Is 10/mm2 mitotic count high? – The mitotic count in the pathology of the first excision indicated that it was 10/mm2.  My research identified that this was high and in data received from Australia indicates that once again this may be an indicator of high chance of recurrence or early mortality.  I was assured that this wasn’t the case as far as the UK are aware and satisfied that, once again, with close surveillance and regular checkups I wasn’t going to let it either!

Did the reconstruction during surgery 1 create a new network for the Phyllodes tentacles? – In short No.  It was the right decision by my surgeon and has meant that the cosmesis is retained as best as possible.

Mastectomy or more surgery – No further surgery is required at this time (unless I chose an elective mastectomy).  However should there be a recurrence or any concern about my future prognosis then I should, as well as I can, prepare myself for a mastectomy.  I was ‘warned’ that if anything was discovered I would be whipped in and my breast whipped off before I could blink, therefore it is advisable for me to consider what I would do, how I would handle it etc etc and to be prepared.  I believe that I’ve done all the preparation I can do until it actually happens.

NHS classifications for Phyllodes – I discussed my concern that the NHS does not classify Phyllodes within its database and more particularly that we surely can’t confidently say this is a rare cancer or doesn’t affect many in the UK if there’s no way of recording or reporting on it. I mentioned that I had established the coding in the International Classification of Diseases and wondered if/how I go about getting it considered for inclusion in the NHS coding.  My consultant agreed that this was a ridiculous situation and would do her best to ensure that the NHS were provided with the correct coding and include this as soon as possible.  I will, of course, ensure that my medical notes are updated to reflect the code as soon as it is within the NHS database.

M9020/0 – Benign – D24
M9020/1 – NOS – D48-6
M9020/3 – Malignant – C50-

I was also able to advise the consultant that I was to attend the Conference in Atlanta and she was keen that I should feed back to her anything I felt of interest/research/investigation from the Conference or my own research/enquiries. I would like to think that I can bring back to the UK information from the US and that this information is disseminated to medical staff so that the awareness of Phyllodes is raised.  If more Phyllodes tumours were diagnosed quickly, patients may only need one surgery (instead of the standard two) and more research may be given to this type of tumour.  She also advised that she would email me with any information she finds in her efforts.

I left the Royal Marsden with a spring in my step and feeling positive about my future.  Nothing had changed since my going in but I had been able to ask questions, be given honest answers and then to formulate my own decisions based on good advice.  I knew when I left the hospital that I cannot say I’m cured or I’ve got the all clear but what I can say is that I’m in control of my future and my care management.  I have the support and, I believe, high regard of the medical teams that I’ve met – to me this is important as it has meant that my concerns are taken seriously and they know that I don’t panic about my diagnosis and prognosis but rather want the evaluate and understand my health plan.

If nothing else, I would like to think that my journey and inquisitive approach to my diagnosis has, in some way, helped raise awareness, reporting, data and research but also provide a supportive hand to others.

Will they play nicely?

Have to confess to being nervous about the next couple of days of medical appointments. Although grateful that the appointments are now and not scheduled for some time in the future and I have to wait longer for answers. BUT… Will they play nicely and tell me kind things? Will I remember to ask all the questions I have? Will the pain be there when I get into the appointment or will it be like when you get to see the dentist and the toothache is gone?

Abducted

Yesterday afternoon there was jointly a little knock and a huge hammering on my front door. Upon opening the door I was greeted by my niece and nephew (of course), closely followed by my brother on the snowy pathway. They had forged their way ‘easily’ in their 4×4 with the sole intention of abducting me for 24 hours.

After a few challenges on the Wii by my 7 year old nephew (how do small children know how to work these things and navigate games I’d not yet discovered?), we drove off in convoy down the farm track. I’m grateful not to have been doing that drive on my own as I appeared to push the deep snow out of the way with my bumper and I’m quite sure the underneath of the car is now much cleaner for the scratching! Once out of the farm, I slipped and slid until reaching the main roads and was grateful to note these were much clearer. A lovely family time for 24 hours – cuddles from my niece and nephew, building lego, sledging, eating delicious meals and generally being looked after, not to mention injecting a little bit of Auntie Anna naughtiness!

I don’t remember being told life would be this hard… I want to be 4 again!

I’ll be honest with you; I’ve struggled this past couple of weeks. Not particularly with the pain, I’m sort of getting used to that, but more with where my head has taken me. This probably isn’t helped by the relentless cold and snow which has meant that I’ve been housebound for the past week, with me, the internet, TV and my thoughts for company. I can understand now why they say cancer survivors may get depressed or feel isolated whilst to others the battle appears to have been won and their fight is over.

There’s also reference made on cancer charity sites and in the leaflets that unlike many illnesses, breast cancer survivors are just that…survivors. We don’t get the chance to say we’ve got the ‘all clear’ but to simply count days/weeks/months/years since our last recurrence to which we can mark our survivorship time. I’ve been asked by a number of people if I have the all clear and if I’m better and every time I hear that question, it breaks my heart just a little bit more. It’s hard to just put a smile on and pretend that you’re feeling grrrreat!

If I wasn’t feeling isolated enough this week I was also reminded that we’re all human and bureaucracy is everywhere. I registered with a support group that specialises in rare cancers and have been regularly searching for information relating to Phyllodes tumours on this site and also reading other survivors’ stories and questions in a search for answers for myself. In addition, where I’ve been able to, I’ve been replying to postings from others seeking answers.

In these postings I have, where I feel it to be a branch of support added that there are a number of us ladies on Facebook and saying if they’d like to friend us they may find the support helpful. As you know from my website witterings I’ve sought help and support from a number of different sites, forums and resources. I guess being diagnosed with a rare cancer has meant that there are fewer people with it and therefore less information available to us so we (certainly I) will take any help I can get. Sadly this week the administrator of the site deactivated my account on the basis that I was redirecting users to other online groups. I’m sad because I hadn’t realised that by offering a hand of friendship to others I was a breach of this website’s rules. I’m also sad because if sites like this continue to make the club exclusive we miss out on the opportunity of raising awareness to this rare cancer and thereby any research or publicity. But it’s their site and their rules. Personally I know I would have struggled thus far without these additional forums and resources.

I’ve read that I’m now classified as ‘disabled’ as a cancer survivor and to me that makes me feel like I’m never going to get better or be over it… I know it’s just a ‘word’ and it’s more about attitude but it does make me wonder what that will mean for my future with regards to financial planning, life policies, mortgages, insurance or my career. It’s daunting to think that this could determine my future in more ways than just the surgery or treatments. I wonder if I’d feel differently about this if I was married or in a permanent stable relationship whereby it’s not all down to me alone.

As most of you know I don’t have any children and have always maintained that it’s by choice. Those of you who know me very well will know that I was told at an early age (18) that I couldn’t carry full term and therefore wouldn’t be able to have children. The reason I’m saying this now is that it’s been very much in my mind recently. I sway from being grateful that I don’t have children or a partner who would be seeing me go through this journey or indeed that I may one day have to leave prematurely. The spin side of the coin is that without them, I don’t have the same drive to stay positive and fight. Equally I’m every now and then acutely aware that I don’t have access to that unconditional love, hugs and warmth that you get from children and partner or the comfort and safety as you fall asleep in the arms of a loved one.

Thanks for listening (well, reading) and apologies if this seems a little too much truth for one entry – thank heavens you can’t read my mind! I feel better for having put this down on ‘virtual’ paper. I do have some truly tremendous friends and family but some things are just too damn difficult to say face-to-face without sounding like a victim. I often never get to the reasons why my mind has reached a conclusion but on ‘paper’ I have a little more confidence to voice my thoughts and perhaps this written blog will help you understand my journey and I suspect other survivors.

Right-O – face on, lippy on and smile Wolbag… atta-girl.

Back on the rollercoaster

Well I chased up what was happening and was eventually informed that I ‘had been overlooked’. I can’t tell you how many times my heart skips a beat or drops through my stomach when I’ve been told that or hear those all too familiar phrases ‘what is phyllodes?’ or ‘I’ve never dealt with one of these before’. I go from being angry and anxious to being tearful and feeling utterly broken. This really is a rollercoaster and those of you who know me well, know I hate rollercoasters! I so truly just want to get off now.

I’m going back to work on Monday and had hoped that this would have all been over by the end of 2010 and that I would have had a few healthy weeks to have fun and catch up with friends before going back to work. The company has moved offices this week to, so I go back to my old job in a new location and can’t help but feel that it’ll be like starting a new job but with the knowledge that I know what the job is!

This morning I received the call I had expected last week to set up the appointment with a senior breast oncologist at the Marsden in Chelsea on Tuesday. I presume that the results are in from the re-slicing and re-dicing of my pathology and once again wait apprehensively for Tuesday’s appointment to arrive. I also have a number of questions about my condition including whether the tumour was hormone receptor positive or negative, if clear margins were obtained and why the classification isn’t entered into the NHS database. And of course what the odds are of this cancer recurring or metastasing to other parts of my body.

So that’ll be Tuesday afternoon taken care of and on Wednesday I have my first follow up appointment with my surgeon. What a fantastic first week back at work and so much for moving on with my life. I am, however, relieved to be seeing my surgeon (and my Macmillan nurse) as I will be able to ask him if the pains that I’ve been experiencing really are the tissue reshuffling or the scarring of the previous surgeries twinging and not, as my mind tells me, anything more onerous. At least I know the drill at that hospital and am assured that if there are concerns they will do the tests and scans that are needed to check.

Well time to knuckle down, prepare to go back to work and once more wait for my appointments and any further news.

Is no news, good news?

Still waiting for results from the re-slicing and re-dicing of my the second excision pathology. My radiation lady had been so certain when she said confidently to call her if I’d not heard by 4th January. I’ll be calling her tomorrow… I’m fed up… it was meant to be over by 2010…