Doctor appointment

Posted on 27/08/2009 by AnnaGoAnna

I am so lucky to have the best doctor in the world. He knows that if I ask about something there is a genuine reason why I’m asking, he also knows my history over the past 20+ years. So when I said that I’d found a lump but dismissed it with a comment about it probably being due to stress, he told me that it would still need looking at. He checked my breast and although I saw a flicker of panic on his face, remained calm when he said that he’d refer me but not to worry. He went on to give me a prescription for a few sleeping pills because knowing me, he said he knew I would worry!

Should I have called the Doctor earlier – YES! Lesson learnt – please seek professional advise as soon as possible if you find a lump. The sooner you get it checked the sooner you can get it gone! AND if you don’t check your boobs, please do so regularly. Ask your nurse or doctor if you’re not sure how to but please check. (nag over!) If you don’t feel you can ask for help use this guide but please please check www.womens-health.co.uk/breast_exam.html

Finally I call the Doctor

Posted on 25/08/2009 by AnnaGoAnna

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I should have seen my doctor sooner but I was determined that the lump was ‘just going away’. Surely it had been down to all the upset and emotion with Mum’s death… surely it was just due to my hormones being all over the place… surely it was anything other than cancer – right?…

During a meeting I find myself taking a sharp intake of breath whilst there is a piercing pain in my right breast. Can I ignore it? (as I’ve done so many times before) I’m thinking to myself, I just need a holiday and relax, surely it can’t be anything else.

I call the doctor’s surgery and speak to the lovely receptionist who immediately takes me seriously saying that of course I should see the doctor as soon as possible. She’s squeezed me in for an appointment in a couple of days time. I’m so relieved to be seeing a professional but am still convinced that he’ll just say it’s nothing, don’t worry.

Mum’s funeral and the lump

Posted on 20/08/2009 by AnnaGoAnna

Mum’s cremation and thanksgiving service is arranged for today. Fortunately during the final months I had been able to discuss with Mum what she would like so when it came to the arrangements it was easy. I knew that we’d got it right. We even managed to get ‘Look on the bright side of life’ playing at the end of the service (as requested). I can totally advocate telling someone what you’d like in advance. I’d like my body to be given to medical science – they might be able to find a reason why this cancer attacked me! If not, cremation please but don’t bother with the expense.. spend it on a party! Ashes to be scattered in Berkeley Square, London and a bench to be placed with a simple plaque to identify it… you’re all invited to come sit and enjoy my favourite peaceful place… I just love that place.

I digress. On the morning of 20th as I’m getting ready for the day ahead. I’m nervous and scared that the day will go OK and get dressed in lots of colour (No Black requested by Mum!). I felt a little pain in my right breast and on rubbing the pain away discover a lump. Now I have to confess I don’t (as suggested by all the health organisations) check my breasts regularly so am not sure when the lump arrived or if it’s got larger quickly etc etc. I texted a friend in a panic (it was 6.07am) “Ohmygod, stupid question to ask a boy but do glands play up when upset? cos I’ve found a lump in my boob…“. He replied with “EVERYTHING plays up at times like this, Stress and trauma cause all sorts of things. Forget about it for today and tomorrow and see how it is after the weekend. 95% of boob lumps aren’t anything, but if it’s still there next week share it with your doctor”.

I then put this to be the back of my mind in the hope that he was right and would deal with it if it hasn’t gone in a couple of days. Besides I had to get on with my mothers cremation and memorial service… I’m too young to lose a parent let alone have cancer… and we don’t have cancer in our family, so of course it must be hormonal or emotional or just something random… maybe I’ve bashed myself and it’s just a bruise.

Next two weeks

Posted on 14/08/2009 by AnnaGoAnna

During the two weeks following Mum’s death, I was acutely aware of the support that I received from friends, family and colleagues. I busied myself with organising, planning and arranging things. I did anything to stop myself from falling apart in front of anyone but inside was hurting and not sure how to deal with it. My sensible brain keeps reminding me that she was ill for a long time and we knew this was coming… my emotional brain keeps reminding me that she was young at 70. When will I start to see beyond this? When will I stop crying? When will this physical pain go away?

Mum dies

Posted on 07/08/2009 by AnnaGoAnna

I think this is the start of the journey I want, and feel able, to share with you. My Mum, who I, like so many daughters had a sometimes difficult relationship, had Multiple Sclerosis. Mum was always someone who could make something of nothing and be enormously positive about what she can and will do. A lot of close friends and acquaintences didn’t know Mum had MS until the later years as she was determined ‘Just to get on with it’ and do whatever she desired to do. When her husband (my step-father) died she suddenly found it harder and felt very lost and alone and her MS got worse quite quickly. Until the end of last year she lived independently, in her own home and drove and adapted car or terrorised the pavements in an electric buggy. It was felt that so that Mum could remain in her own home, we would employ a carer to live in and assist. Quickly she needed two 24/7 live-in carers as her body slowly stopped playing nicely. Until the end of July however she was still attending concerts in the local church and films in the village hall.

At the very end of July Mum said to me on my weekly visit “You know what, I think I’ve had enough now”. I knew then that it was only a matter of time but also knew she was desperate to ensure that her latest grandchild arrived safely into this world.

On the morning of 7th August, the call came to advise that she was a grandmother again to a little girl, Celeste. After receiving this news she asked the carers for a good clean and scrub up, despite being very very weak. She then asked them to call my brother and I to be with her and said it was time. We arrived and sat with her, my brother having been able to print out photos of our new neice and show Mum, we then watched the life ebb away from her. It was incredibly so peaceful and painless – if you could have a checkbox death, this would be it!