All stations go today.  I wanted to get my house clean and tidy (whoops even found the duster), the fridge cleared out, washing and ironing done, bills paid up to date etc etc so that when I come home after my next operation, I don’t have to do anything.

Hmm but as the first thing of the day was making a cup of coffee (not such a difficult task me thinks), but I put the kettle on, coffee in the cup, poured the water in, added the milk (the final bit from the fridge), stirred it all up and put it to my lips following which I realised that it was cold… oops I neglected to notice that the kettle was cold and the water wasn’t steaming!   Doh!

Still jobs to do and lunch with my Dad and his wife.  We had a lovely lunch and both of them were very sympathetic but I’m always anxious about worrying Dad with what’s going on.  I’ve noticed that when he gets anxious he gets more forgetful and slower – I don’t want to cause him anymore anguish.  Love him and love his hugs.

Jobs done, fire lit, settling down to a bit of TV and an early night.  I’m watching How to Look Good Naked on Channel 4 TV at the moment.  The subject of the show is someone who has had a mastectomy following breast cancer.  All her insecurities I can understand as I think I’ve thought them but need to resolve them, as I’m sure she will with the help of Gok Wan and no doubt many many others.

Gosh one of the things I truly miss with all this, is a huge great big hug.  But as it hurts when anyone is near my breast and certainly couldn’t cope with being squished I can’t ask for one.  And people are so (sweetly) cautious of me I don’t get so many offered.  Sounds daft but there’s nothing quite like a good comforting hug and I can’t have one!

2 more sleeps to go and I’m aware that I’m getting more and more anxious…. think my heart rate is going through the roof… bring on the pre-meds!

Slow start this morning.  Am exhausted as mind is whirring again.  Think I spent most of the night thinking and rethinking and just in case I hadn’t already thought it out, thinking some more – sleep evades me!

A friend called me from Australia to find out how I was.  She has been investigating and searching for information about Malignant Phyllodes Tumours.  Luckily as she works for a publishing company she is able to access medical books that aren’t available to the general public and has found some indepth details.  But still no definate reports or clinical trials that would ensure a complete structure to my treatment.

We also discussed the Scar Project (www.scarproject.org) and the images of stunningly beautiful women who have had mastectomies.  She believes (as I do) that this sort of project should be properly printed and distributed to get more acceptance of something that is happening to so many people.  Fingers crossed the publisher she works for will take this seriously!

Shattered this morning but had to wake early to get to the Doctors Surgery for a swine flu injection.  Whooohooo with everything else that is going on, I now qualify in the ‘high-risk’ category for a free jab.  Although the doctor mentioned that she was confused why I was at risk until I mentioned that it was a malignant phyllodes tumour.  She looked closer at the NHS notes and commented that it was added as a benign tumour as there was no NHS code for a malignant phyllodes tumour.  How on earth is this going to help any research or statistics regarding this type of tumour in the UK if there’s no way of searching for it?  My doctor has said that she’s going to try to get the code added to the NHS database.

Although as a treat after the jab I’m off to see my friend H and her family for the day.  It’s been ages since we met up as it’s been difficult with my not being well and able to drive and her having two adorable small children that don’t understand about illness – and whom I just LOVE having cuddles with but can’t at the moment.  It’s heartbreaking that little Alex (aged 2.5) and I can’t have our ickle and huge huggles.

Tired and in pain in the afternoon, those stabbing pains are back.  Long drive home.

I’m exhausted and my boobie is painful again but I need to do my bit at Mum’s house with some final sorting.  All of a sudden I’m very conscious that there’s so much to do and organise and I can’t leave it to my brothers to do.  They’ve both got their own businesses and young families not to mention that of course their boys, which means they’re less sentimental about the bits and bobs and pieces of paper.  My fear is that I’ll come out from all of this and discover that the stupid little things that made up my Mum (God knows she was great at giving us odd presents) would be gone, along with all those little memories… the big stuff is always there but the little stuff is harder.

I managed to sort out a lot of things and pack up some pictures to sort later when I’m well again.  But the thought of unpacking them all when I got home was just too much and I was wincing with pain on the way home and then getting cross with myself for doing so.  Luckily a colleague had texted me to offer help and I took him up on his offer.  He bought some other boys with him and they helped unload the pictures.  There didn’t seem that much and I did feel a little silly asking them but was at the bottom of my energy fields by the end of the day.

I do feel better having ‘done my bit’ with Mum’s house and possessions and I hope that my brothers think I’ve done the right thing.  I can’t help but every now and then think however that I’m not sure why I’m trying to save my memories of Mum in possessions  when perhaps I’ll never actually have the chance to have these things around me… It would be ironic if I’d fought with my brothers over something silly and won, only for them to have to divide up my possessions soon.    Ooops I’ve gotta think positively so that’s all rubbish… but it is what I’m thinking when I’m low!

I’m incredibly lucky in that I’ve got such good friends in Millie and her family. They offered and I accepted, to come down to Mum’s house and help with the packing and carrying. We got loads done – I’m always surpised how long it takes to pack up china and ickle bits. But what a joy to have such happy helpers and the children were just the most useful and caring too. It was just so much fun doing the task and playing Racing Demon card game in the evening. As always it’s also been fantastic having someone who knows me so well (we’ve known each other since 1986) and who has been such a support and researched lots on the internet and understands my head! Thank you Millie.